A Very Drunk Kahlan
by IAmNotTheWalrus
Summary: What happens when Kahlan gets drunk? Richard/Kahlan. Rated T for alcohol and sexual innuendo.


Title: A Very Drunk Kahlan

Rating: T for alcohol and some sexual innuendo

Summary: What happens when Kahlan gets drunk? Richard/Kahlan

The lyrics Kahlan is singing is from a song called "Irish Drinking Song" by the Dropkick Murphys.

-

When the quest to defeat Darken Rahl sent Richard and Kahlan all the way back to Hartland, the Seeker got a little worried. Yes, he was looking forward to seeing all the people from his hometown – Michael, Chase, everyone else. He knew they'd have a great time. But when Richard had to leave for an evening to attend to some business, he felt uncomfortable because he had to leave Kahlan behind, on a party night. He was sure the experience would be awkward for the Confessor, who had never been able to just let go and…party. Especially with people she didn't know.

So, naturally, when the Seeker entered the tavern later that night and saw Kahlan dancing on the table with some other Westlanders, he nearly had a heart attack.

"Richard!" Michael came up behind Richard and put an arm around his shoulder. "Glad you could make it!"

Richard turned his head to look at Michael, an eyebrow raised. "What's going on?"

"Eh, Chase and the boys decided to teach your girl some drinking songs." Michael paused. "Well, one drinking song," he corrected. "She's too smashed to remember the lyrics for anything else."

Richard, speechless, turned back to Kahlan. There was Chase, Chase's wife, and a barmaid up on the table with her. The Confessor was on the end, one hand using Chase as balancing support, the other clutching a half empty mug of beer.

"_Nooooww we drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and fiiiight_

_yeesss we drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and fiiight! _

_Aaand if I may see a pretty girl, I'll sleep with her tonight_

_aaaand we drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and fiiiiiight!"_

Though practically the entire bar was participating in the song, Richard could still hear Kahlan, shamelessly loud and clear, above the rest.

"Michael, how long has she been like this?" Richard asked, not really sure if he wanted to know the answer.

His brother shrugged. "I don't know. Most of the night. Since the drinking contest."

"The _what?_!"

"The drinking contest," Michael repeated. A barmaid came up to the two, holding out a tray of beers. Michael picked one up. "Beer, brother?"

"No." He glanced up at Kahlan. "One of us has to stay sober," he mumbled under his breath.

"Hm?" Michael picked up Richard's beer anyway.

"Nothing." Michael led Richard over to a table in the corner with a tray of various fruits and cheeses. After setting down Richard's beer, Michael picked up a piece of cheese and took a bite.

"Kahlan actually took part in a _drinking contest?_" Richard asked, ignoring his beer.

"With Chase," Michael said, nodding. "No one'll drink against Chase anymore. They know they'll lose. So Chase decided to take advantage of your girl over there's innocence."

Richard shook his head in disbelief. "Well, Kahlan's not one to turn down a challenge. So how'd she do?"

"You know women. Can't hold a drink. And poor girl didn't stand a chance, drinking against a _Westlander_." Richard nodded in pride at the stressed word. "But she didn't do too badly."

Richard looked up again at Kahlan. She was wearing her Confessor's dress, probably because none of the Westlanders knew what it meant. He was glad she was wearing it. It hugged her curves so perfectly. Richard's eyes roamed all over Kahlan, from her hips, to her perfectly shaped breasts, to her glorious hair.

Michael noticed his enchanted brother. "So, you sleeping with her yet?"

"_What?!_"

"Sorry, sorry. Just, you two are always looking at each other. Watching each other, like two frustrated animals during mating season." When Richard didn't respond, Michael kept going. "I mean really, if you two would just put your hands where your eyes have been. Especially this morning, when Kahlan bumped into you, and you-"

"That's…that's good enough, Michael," Richard interrupted, holding his hands up. Michael grunted.

Michael couldn't resist. "But why aren't you with her, Richard?"

"It…it'll never happen."

"Oh," Michael said, for lack of a better word. There was another pause. "Can I take a shot at her, then?"

"No!"

"Fine." Michael frowned. He started up again. "But _why_?"

Richard let out a long sigh. "It's…complicated. She's someone important in the Midlands, someone magical. And because of the magic, she can't…agh, Michael, it's too complicated to explain. But we can't, and will never, be able to be together. So there's no point dwindling on it. Now can we talk about something else?"

"Sorry, brother," Michael said. When he saw Kahlan approaching the table, he grinned and stood up. "I'll see you later, okay?"

"Wha…okay, bye Mi-" But before Richard could finish his farewell, Kahlan had dropped herself into the chair next to him.

"Richard!" Kahlan cried out in happiness. She gave him a silly grin. Richard couldn't help but smile back.

"Hey, Kahlan."

"Richard."

"Yes, Kahlan."

Narrowing her eyes, she glared at Chase from across the room. "You watch out for that one, Richard." She thrust out her pointer finger. She aimed for Chase, but her arm unsteadily swung a bit to the side. Richard pushed her arm back so she was pointing at Chase again.

"And why is that?"

Kahlan looked at Richard. Lowering her voice, she leaned in towards him. " You can't trust him."

"Is that right?"

"He's a cheater, that one."

Richard grinned at the drunk Confessor. "You sure you aren't just angry that he can outdrink you?"

"No! He can't!" Kahlan protested seriously. "He cheated! He's a cheater, that one, he's a cheater!"

"Alright, Kahlan, I believe you."

Clearly, Kahlan was not convinced. "I'm pos…positive, Richard, you listen to me!" Wrapping her fingers in Richard's shirt, she pulled him closer. "I'z drunk more than he has, y'know."

Richard looked over at Chase, standing perfectly steadily, carrying on what seemed to be an intelligent conversation. "Oh, I definitely believe you have, Kahlan."

Pleased, Kahlan let go of his shirt and hit his chest with her hand. "Good man, Richard, good man."

"You're so drunk, Kahlan."

"I am not!"

"Yes, you are."

"No'm not."

"Touch your finger to your nose."

"You're trying to play a trick on me."

"No, I'm not, now do it and I'll believe you aren't drunk."

Kahlan made a fist, and after staring at her fist for a long moment, extended her pointer finger.

"Very good," Richard said with a smirk.

Kahlan, with her determined Confessor face on, brought the finger to her face. As it got closer, Kahlan crossed her eyes. With a burst of energy, Kahlan brought the finger to her right eyelid.

"That's not your nose, Kahlan."

"Shut up." Kahlan tried again. She missed.

After several more tries, Kahlan gave up. "You're a cheater, too," she concluded with a glare.

"I didn't do anything!"

"You put a spell on me. Don't think I don't know, mister."

Richard just laughed.

As Richard reached for the platter, about to offer Kahlan some food, she pulled his neck towards her, smashing her lips against his. Their lips still locked, Kahlan steadied herself on Richard as she got out of her chair and came over to him. She straddled his lap and pressed herself against him, kissing him fiercely.

Though he didn't want to stop kissing her, he still needed oxygen, and he reluctantly pushed Kahlan back. After he had a couple deep breaths of air, he leaned back against the chair, one hair cupping her waist. The other hand was running through her beautiful hair, and then fondling her neck.

"Richard," she moaned as she leaned forward, burying her face in his neck. As he stroked her hot cheek, Richard wondered if the heat was from drunkenness, or from passion. Maybe from both.

"Kiss me again," Kahlan breathed, bringing her face close to Richard's. She closed her eyes, but didn't feel his lips against hers.

Annoyed, Kahlan swatted Richard's chest with the back of her hand. "That was an order!" Richard was about to kiss her, but she was just too cute when she was drunk. Seeing the amused smirk on his lips, Kahlan frowned.

"Dammit, Richard!" Kahlan growled. "I'm the Mother Confessor, you know."

"Mmhmm."

Kahlan took his playfulness as skepticism. "It's true. I'm the Mother Confessor. See?" Kahlan poked herself in her cleavage. "This dress, see? I'm the Mother Confessor."

"I know, Kahlan, I believe you."

Kahlan looked at him or a long moment before continuing. "Well, I'm…I'm the Mother Confessor. And you _don't_ disobey the Mother Confessor."

"Well then," Richard said before pulling him against her again. As he kissed her, his mouth opened slightly, her tongue slipping into his mouth. Their tongues touched, eliciting a small moan from Kahlan, and she was beginning to make small movements with her hips that were driving Richard crazy. Richard pulled away from Kahlan again, though kept his arms snaked around Kahlan's waist.

He glanced around. There were a couple Westlanders smirking at the two of them. "We shouldn't be…doing this here."

Unhappily, Kahlan allowed Richard to lift her off of him. Keeping his arm around Kahlan to steady her, he guided her to the side of the bar, towards the staircase.

"Third room on the left," the bartender called out to him. "It's yours now." Richard smiled in thanks.

Getting a drunk Kahlan up a flight of stairs was no easy feat, but alas, nothing is impossible for the Seeker.

After getting the door open, Richard reached for Kahlan again. Wrapping her arms around his neck, Kahlan kissed him passionately, one leg coming up and wrapping around his waist. Richard held her thighs with his hands as she brought the other leg up, too. Once Kahlan was situated, Richard wrapped his arms around her back. Kahlan's back hit the wall of the room, and Richard rubbed up against her.

Richard brought his lips over to her ear. "Kahlan," he whispered before lightly biting her earlobe. Kahlan's breath was speeding up. As he lowered his lips, kissing her neck, Kahlan moaned.

"Bed, now," Kahlan ordered. Setting her down, he started moving backwards to the bed.

Kahlan touched her chest, her fingers slipping through the laces of the dress. "You know what these are for, Richard?" she said with a slippery voice.

"What?" he breathed.

"Easy access," she replied, undoing the laces. Though it took her a few moments to figure out, Kahlan was able to untie the dress and slip out of it. Kahlan was down to her undergarments. Richard had his shirt off in no time.

Pushing him onto the bed, Kahlan straddled Richard, rubbing her pelvis against his once more. Her hands rubbed against his bare chest. Richard let out a moan.

Reaching up to her chest, Richard's thumbs slipped under the fabric and felt the side of her breasts.

"Richard," Kahlan moaned between gritted teeth. She bit her lip, rubbing herself faster against his hips. She let out a quick gasp as Richard bucked up against her. Her back arched.

Kahlan reached down and began to undo his belt buckle.

Something in the back of his brain kicked in. "Kahlan, wait."

"We've waited long enough." Kahlan leaned down, flattening her chest against his.

"Stop."

"You don't want me to."

"Kahlan, no." He pushed her back a little, and then took his hands in hers. His back was still flat against the bed. Kahlan frowned.

"You're drunk."

"No'm not." Kahlan tried to kiss him again.

"Yes. Yes, Kahlan, you are." Kahlan sat back, steadying herself with one hand on his stomach.

"Look, it's just…I want this, Kahlan," he said, looking into her eyes. "I want this more than anything in the world. I want you."

"Then take me," Kahlan whispered, sobering up a little.

"No. This wouldn't be happening if you weren't drunk."

"So?"

Pushing her off and setting her down on the bed beside him, he sighed. "I'd be taking advantage of you."

"But I want this too."

"I know. I know you do. But we can't be together, you've told me a thousand times. At least, not now."

Kahlan let her head fall back against the pillow and didn't say anything.

"When we get to have our first time, I don't want it to be something we'll regret, you know? Something we'll wish we hadn't done?" Kahlan let out a disgruntled sound in response. "You're the most amazing woman in the world, and you deserve only the best."

Kahlan turned back to him with an odd look on her face. "I'm the Mother Confessor, y'know."

Richard laughed. "Yes, I know, Kahlan."

"You don't disobey a Mother Confessor."

"I'm not disobeying you, Kahlan. I'm just…delaying it, alright?"

After a long thought, Kahlan turned her back on him. She curled up a little. Richard brought the covers over them. "But Richard?"

"Yes?"

"You owe me."

Richard began to say something, but Kahlan was asleep already. With a smile, he threaded his arm under hers and buried his face in her neck.

"I love you, Kahlan."

Maybe a part of her was still awake, because her lips curled into a smile.

--

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